The First Veterans Longbow Archery Association
(North East)

CAN ANYONE HEAR ME

 

this story relates to night horrors, that happens to me on a regular basis.

it is based mainly on the first event and a few afterwards, also more recent event as i have tried to work out what is happening

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

That was sudden, i was awake dog tired then i fell asleep, now, i`m awake, wide awake, as if i was never tired before this, i`m bright as a button,within these milli seconds I am suddenly aware of nothing around me,no light no darkened room, shit ! no feeling no movement, am i trapped, pinned down, ? no pain? hallo? h- haaalloooo, no sound, shear panic flies through my head, help heeellp, for god`s sake what`s happening, my head is screaming nobody hears me, am i buried, has the house collapsed around me, am i buried, sombody must have heard it.

 

screaming at the top of my voice, unbelieveable panic and fear races through my head, for fuck sake somebody hear me, nothing, but anguish nervous fear,the more i shout the more i scream, nobody answers my screaming, my brain is boiling nobody heard me, then in the middle of this crazy panic i realise, that, i cannot hear myself shout, and the screaming is all in my head, am i dead, i must be dead, i cannot feel myself, hear myself, there is no movement i have no control of my body, is this death, is this the last few seconds of my life, the body has gone and the last of life is in my head, if i go to sleep now that is the end, more panic at this thought, but i am so awake, will i break out before i sleep and follow the wondrous light, there is no light, there is nothing, nothing, but i am so awake.

 

searching, screaming, I try to feel, i can`t just lie here, but there is no feeling, i am in a void, no feeling, no sound, no darkness, no pain, but anguish, distress and fear, my head is screaming, is there pressure, is there something, not sure someone will hear me now, for god`s sake help me, nothing, the panic is building am i in my head, i am panicing i am in trouble ? get a grip? get a grip of yourself ? if your not dead your killing yourself,​? get a fucking hold of yourself ? If you were dying, you would have killed yourself by now, if you are dying there is no one listening, fuck it, fuck it, who cares no one cares, for fuck`s sake, the screaming has gone from my head, i am achieving something, what, what am i achieving in this reign of terror in my head, if i am dying there is not a lot you can do about it in your head, am i in my head, for god`s sake, fuck it.

 

a split second of calm, why cause yourself all this anguish, is it my brain still opperating i still have clear thought, i do not see my life spilling out before me, the panic is there but i have clear thought, what have i left, in this state, my training through life says relax, meditate, clear your thoughts, nothingness, for fucks sake, is that it, its another trial of life, a dare, a quest, lets go, into the breach my friend, what fucking breach, the breach of life and death, been there got the teeshirt, fuck it, if i am dying then that is that, if i am not i have nothing obvious to fear, the screaming comes through me again, for fucks sake, make some sense of this.

 

i am in turmoil no control i hate this more than anything, i need to get away from it, i feel i am crying but there is no sense of tears, wimpering like a lost sick child, fear and death is at the door, you do not know what the out come will be as you do not understand where you are, so taking up the quest is realitively easy, you do your job, trained to get on with it, training kicks in and you drop everything and relax, of goes the panic, why die in such stress and anguish, good bye cruel world, will i miss you, think of going to sleep, put your brain to sleep, find that sleep, find that comfort zone, think of how you curl up and push yourself into it, comfort , relax, curl up roll round into ?????? i felt that, i fucking felt that, my jaw is locked my face is tight, my neck is sore i can move my head, i can feel my breath my breathing, the blankets underneath me, the bed, shit, fuck, fuck i am shouting, i can hear my shouting my throat is dry, what the fuck was all that, my body is shaking and pounding like a crashing sea of waves, but it is calm, there is darkened light, i can feel the tears, i am gibbering and crying and whimpering, snorting and choking, then a new panic kicks in one with feeling once more, as self protection kicks in, am i safe, was it a dream, am i in an accident, am i in danger, be careful, be very careful.